Custody & Parenting Time Checklist for Mediation
Deciding how much time your children will get with each of you is one of the most heart-wrenching divorce decisions.
But this decision is only part of the process of mediating a parenting plan.
Below is a checklist to better prepare you for a successful custody and parenting time mediation:
What to expect at the first session
Decisions you’ll discuss
How to prepare
What happens next
What happens if you can’t agree
What to expect at the first mediation session
At the first session, you’ll meet individually or jointly with the mediator. Either way, they’ll share more about the process, their role and they’ll ask about your biggest concerns and priorities.
They’ll explain how the process of mediation allows you to negotiate and discuss decisions to try and come to agreements. They’ll explain that as a neutral 3rd party, they’re not going to give advice, take sides or judge. They’ll share the benefits of mediation - it’s confidential, you maintain control of the outcomes and that agreements made in mediation are more likely to be followed.
Mediation can take place in a physical space or virtually. You can choose whether you want to be in the same room or virtual room or if you’d prefer ‘shuttle’ mediation - where the mediator shuttles back and forth between you.
Usually, this first session is 1 or 2 hours and will conclude with action items for the next time you meet, aka, homework.
For the next session, they’ll ask you to bring your proposals on any or all of the decision areas below.
Decisions you’ll discuss
Physical custody / parenting time - depending on your state
Legal custody - decision making power
Child support
Transitions / pick-ups and drop-offs
A communication plan for parents
This list reflects the basic decision areas for custody and parenting for minor children.
Depending on your situation, you may also need or want to address additional topics such as paying for college, safety concerns that may require supervised parenting time, international travel, etc.
For the majority of my clients, the top 2 on that list can twist them up inside.
They tell me things like:
“My ex hasn’t taken the kids to a single doctor’s appointment, why would I agree to share joint legal decision-making custody with her around healthcare?”
“My 14 year old daughter is so mad at her Dad, how am I supposed to force her to spend time with him?”
“My ex just wants more time with the kids so they don’t have to pay so much child support.”
Oof, these concerns reflect some really big emotions.
A guiding principle I share with my clients is kids need the best relationship possible with each of their parents.
It’s up to parents to dig deep and put this need above any concern that’s not directly related to safety.
Barring legitimate safety concerns (abuse, neglect, active addiction, severe untreated mental illness), research shows kids of divorce have better life outcomes when they have significant, meaningful time with each parent.
Better life outcomes mean higher self-esteem, healthier relationships, more resilience, more success in school and at work.
How to prepare
Work with a Coach, an Attorney or do your own research to understand each of the decision areas you’ll tackle in mediation.
Learn how child support is calculated in your state.
Understand what custody means in your state - does it mean physical custody (where they spend their time) or legal custody (decision making power in the specific areas of religious training, non-emergency healthcare and education)?
Review different parenting time plans to see which one/s might fit the unique needs and schedules of your family.
Look into co-parenting apps to find one that will work for your level of conflict.
Bring the following:
Your calendar
School and / or extracurricular activities
Legal or court documents including birth certificates, marriage license, etc.
Manage your emotions.
It’s probably not going to be easy to sit across the table from the person you’re divorcing. They’re going to say things that piss you off or push your buttons. They may blame you for the children not doing well. They may question your parenting ability.
Come up with a game plan to manage big emotions so you can stay at the table. Make a playlist, create a mantra, bring a stress ball, drink soothing tea, make a picture of your kids your lock screen, do whatever works for you.
If you can keep your cool and deal with your anger, your sadness and your anxiety, you’re more likely to engage in the problem-solving required in mediation.
What happens next
You’ll likely need between 2-3 sessions to decide all of the topics covered in a parenting plan. .
If you’ve made agreements, you can sign the paperwork and file the documents with the court. Some mediators may be able to file the forms for you.
Once the parenting plan is filed with the court, it’s reviewed and accepted or rejected by a judge. If it’s accepted, it becomes a legally binding document that parents must abide by until their children reach the age of 18.
It’s possible to file an updated parenting plan as your children get older and their needs change. It’s not required to do so, especially if both parents are reasonable and flexible. Examples might include swapping one weekend for another or agreeing to a trip that extends the parenting time with one or both parents.
It’s recommended to file an updated parenting plan as the needs of your child/children change if you and your co-parent have a hard time being flexible and accommodating. It’s also recommended if you have any reason to need the help of the court to make your co-parent follow the parenting plan of record.
What happens if you can’t agree
If you can’t agree on any of these decision areas, you may decide work with attorneys or going to court for a judge to decide.
An attorney may recommend a parenting time or custody evaluation. This is an extensive and expensive process that can result in a recommendation to the court.
If a judge has to decide on issues of custody and parenting time, they will only have a few hours to hear your case. In most cases, absent any documented safety concerns, a judge will order the kids to spend significant, meaningful time with each parent.
If you can’t agree, a Divorce Coach can help you think through your BATNA and WATNA to decide if you’re willing to abandon mediation for attorneys or court. Check out my article on BATNA and WATNA here.
Part of divorce coaching is preparing clients for a successful mediation. If you’d like to find out more, schedule a free consultation here.
