How to Make Divorce Decisions with Confidence
In the online divorce support Meetup group I facilitate - Roadmap to Mindful Divorce & Co-Parenting - I recently covered confident decision making and broke it into 3 do-able steps:
Identify your interests
Identify your options
Identify your BATNA & WATNA
1 - Identify your interests
Positional thinking is how most people go about making divorce decisions, but it’s not ideal.
Let’s use the example of deciding what to do with the marital home to understand the difference between positional thinking and interest based thinking.
If you want the house, you’re seeking a particular legal outcome and your position is “I want the house.” Positional decision making sets up a win/lose dynamic. You either get what you want (the house) or you lose. Positional thinking is black and white, all or nothing thinking.
Ideally, you’re able to go beyond your positions and identify your INTERESTS -your underlying concerns, needs and motivations for proposing an outcome like keeping the marital home.
Interest based decision making sets up a win / win dynamic. Interest based thinking is more flexible. When you understand WHY you want a particular outcome, you can be flexible and creative about other ways to meet your needs. That makes you a better negotiator.
Negotiation is, after all, giving up something you want in order to get something you want more.
One way to figure out your interests is to use the strategy of five layers of why. Here’s how that works.
Five Layers of Why Strategy to figure out your underlying interests
Identify your position - “I want the house”. Then ask yourself why 5 times so you get really clear on what’s important to you about this desired outcome.
Why - because it will be less stressful to stay in the house
Why - because I want stability and consistency for myself and the kids
Why - because they need some stability when so much is changing
Why - because they will feel less stressed and more secure with stability
Why - because my kids are my #1 priority
Identifying that the kids are your #1 priority may open some things up for you.
You might decide that since you’re better at setting up a home for your kids, it’s okay for your co-parent to keep the house. That way, your kids will benefit from the stability of the house when they are with him. You can be confident about setting up a new home for your kids because you did it so well last time.
Interest-based negotiation opens up options you may be resistant to at the beginning.
2 - Identify your options
When you’re making a divorce decision like what to do with the marital home, it will help you to identify at least 3 options and explore each one. Here’s a strategy to use with this step - What? So What? Now What?
This model comes from Rolfe et all and I’ve adapted it for making divorce decisions.
What? - What are your options?
Option 1: You buy your spouse out and keep the house
Option 2: Your spouse buys you out and you move out
Option 3: You sell the house and split the equity
So What? - What would each option be like? What are its positives and negatives?
Option 1 - I keep the house - What will it take to keep the house? What will it cost? Will you have to refinance? What will that do to your mortgage rate? What repairs might the house need in the next 5-10 years? How will you pay for those?
Positives: I won’t have to move. I can focus on the kids more. I love this house and how I’ve decorated it. The kids friends are here.
Negatives: My budget will be really tight. It’s an old house and will need repairs. I won’t get a fresh start feeling.
Option 2 - Spouse keeps the house - Where will I go? What will it cost? Will I rent or buy?
Positives: Fresh start. Kids still get stability.
Negatives: Rent is expensive. Interest rates are high right now. I’ll have to work on my credit score.
Option 3 - Sell the house - Where will I move? What will that cost? Will I rent or buy? Can the kids stay in the same school district?
Positives: Fresh start feeling. Clean split. I’ll have funds available. I can stay with friends and family while I figure out what’s next.
Negatives: Not much equity in the house so I won’t get much back. Interest rates are high right now. The kids will miss the neighbor kids. The garden was so tranquil.
Now What? - What can you do to deal with the negative consequences of each option?
Option 1 - I keep the house
I can cut expenses. I can learn some home repair skills. I can borrow money from my family. I can freshen up the place and redecorate.
Option 2 - Spouse keeps the house
I can take on an extra shift or side gig. I can move in with a friend for now. I can take a class to improve my credit.
Option 3 - Sell the house
I can save money for a down payment in the future. I can rent until interest rates go down. I can help the kids stay in touch with their friends. I can rent space in a community garden for now.
When you’ve taken time to identify 3 options, reality test and list the positives and negatives for each, you’re much more likely to make an informed decision. You’re also much more likely to feel a sense of empowerment because you’ve thought about the downsides and how you’ll deal with them.
3 - BATNA & WATNA
BATNA = Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement.
WATNA = Worst Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement.
With BATNA and WATNA, you’re identifying the best and worst outcomes if your dispute were decided by a judge.
Sticking with the example of the marital home, if you and your spouse can’t agree on who will stay and who will go, what might a judge decide?
You can find the answer to this by working with an attorney.
Realistically, outside of negotiation, an agreement with your spouse or co-parent, your alternative is to go to court. Before you give up on negotiating, you’d be wise to ask yourself the following questions:
How long are you willing to wait to have these decisions made in court?
How much stress and uncertainty are you willing to endure as you wait?
How much are you willing to pay to try to get your desired outcome?
How much control over decision-making are you willing to give up?
If you’d like some help identifying your BATNA and WATNA so you can negotiate with confidence, book a free 30-minute consultation here.
