3 Things Parents Can do to Make Divorce Less Damaging for Kids
No question about it, divorce has the potential to create long-lasting negative impacts on kids.
Yet over 50 years of research shows that it’s not the separation or divorce itself that’s damaging to kids.
So if it’s not the divorce itself, what’s causing damage to kids during and after divorce?
These three things are the main reasons kids experience lasting negative impacts during and after divorce:
Exposure to chronic parental conflict
Loyalty binds - being made to feel they have to choose one parent over another
Loss of parental contact
1. Exposure to chronic parental conflict
Conflict and arguing between co-parents is common in separation and divorce. Doing it in front of or around the kids is 100% within your control.
It only takes one of you to say "I'm not going to argue about this right now, let's find a time to talk about this when the kids aren't around."
When kids are exposed to chronic conflict (ongoing over months and years) between their parents, their brains re-wire to be alert to ever-present threat. They go into fight or flight mode regularly, often in the supposed safety of their own homes.
The consistent rush of adrenaline and flooding of the brain with cortisol (the stress hormone), re-wires the brain to be in a state of hyper-vigilance. This is not good for any of us, let alone for a child who is experiencing significant brain development.
The other reason you should work hard to keep your conflict away from the kids is because they end up feeling responsible - as if they are the reason for the conflict.
That’s because the things parents typically fight about during and after separation or divorce are child-related - pickup and drop off times, child support, bedtime routines, activities, homework help, etc.
What can parents do to protect kids from exposure to chronic parental conflict?
Argue away from the kids
If things start to turn into an argument, walk away and suggest an alternative time to talk
Agree on a phrase either you or your co-parent can say if things start turning into a fight. When either parent says the phrase, both parents drop it for the moment
Make your home a parent-conflict-free zone
2. Loyalty Binds
Putting your child in a loyalty bind, whether intentionally or not, has long lasting negative impacts on your child.
Children have a burning need to love both parents.
No matter what they parent has done. If you are the one who is preventing them from loving that other parent, it's harming your child.
Even if a parent is not safe or is absent, kids still have a need to love that parent. Even if you feel like it's the truth, know that it hurts your children when you share things with them that make them feel they can't love their other parent.
If their other parent is unsafe either due to addiction, violence or severe untreated mental illness, there are ways you can separate the behaviors from the person to allow your child the opportunity to love their other parent. There are very helpful resources to help you talk to your child about their other parent if any of these things are part of your family’s situation. Here’s just one resource to help explain addiction to a child.
And people can get help and become safe again.
If you've done everything in your power to hold the door open for your child to have a relationship with their other other parent when they are safe again, your child will benefit.
Doing all you can to help you child feel they don't have to choose between you is a huge gift you can give them.
What parents can do to protect kids from loyalty binds?
Avoid saying negative things about or badmouthing their other parent
Avoid succumbing to the trap of thinking you have to tell them ‘the truth’ about their other parent - they will figure you both out in time
Don’t make your child feel as if they have to choose between you and their other parent
Don’t try to ‘win’ by highlighting the ways in which you’re a better parent
Say positive things about their other parent, even when it’s hard to do so
3. Loss of Parental Contact
Loss of parental conflict is when one or both parents are no longer in a child's life.
This can happen for a whole host of reasons including ones we tend to overlook such as:
A parent who can't deal with their own grief so they step away
A parent who wants to be involved but is being restricted so they decide to start a new family
A parent who knows exposure to conflict is bad for their child but can’t figure out how to stop the conflict so they step away
The bottom line is that kids do better when they have frequent contact with safe and supportive parents. If both parents are safe and available, children have improved outcomes in school, with self-esteem and in relationships when they have frequent contact with both parents.
They learn from both parents. They integrate the best and most challenging parts of each parent as part of their transition from child to young adult.
What parents can do to protect kids from loss of parental contact?
Stay in the game - do what you need to do to work through challenging emotions like grief and anger
Understand the difference between protective gatekeeping (for the safety of children) vs. restrictive gatekeeping (for the convenience or comfort of a parent). Make sure you are not engaging in restrictive gatekeeping
Work to support the involvement of the other parent if they are safe and available
When you do your best to protect your children from exposure to chronic parental conflict, avoid putting them in loyalty binds and do everything you can to keep up frequent contact with safe and available parents, you are giving your children such a gift -you are significantly decreasing the long-lasting negative impacts kids can experience during and after separation and divorce.
If you want to make a plan for how to help your kids make it through divorce as peacefully as possible, let’s talk. Schedule a free 30-minute consultation here.
