The Truth About Parallel-Parenting
Should you cooperatively co-parent or parallel-parent?
Let's start by looking at the differences between them, on a super practical level.
Cooperative co-parenting means working collaboratively with your ex for the benefit of your children.
Cooperative co-parenting often looks like this:
You make parenting decisions together on issues like bedtimes, extracurricular activities, homework expectations, etc.
You attend events like sports games, recitals, parent-teacher conferences, etc. at the same time
You both have input on rules and expectations (a united front) with your kids
You have frequent communication about your child's interests, schedules, and activities
Cooperative co-parenting works best if you're able to put aside your differences when you're around the kids. It doesn't mean you enjoy being around your ex or that you're in complete agreement with them. But it does mean you can handle your shit when you're together, for the sake of your kids. It requires flexibility, a willingness to compromise, and patience.
Parallel parenting means you're both involved with your kids but have very little involvement with each other.
Parallel parenting often looks like this:
You don't try to boss each other about parenting styles or what happens on the other parent's time
You have clearly defined plans around things like pick-up and drop off times, schedule changes and communication expectations
You take turns attending events like sports games, recitals, parent-teacher conferences, etc.
You communicate minimally and stick with email, text or a co-parenting app, and only about the kids
Parallel parenting is a good option if you and your ex are having a hard time being civil, for whatever reason.
Parallel parenting has many benefits including reducing conflict between you and your ex, keeping your child away from conflict, and allowing your child to focus on the relationship they have with each of you.
Look, no one is getting an award for choosing cooperative co-parenting over parallel parenting.
The best choice for your family is whatever works best to protect the children from conflict, allows them to love you both, and keeps you both in the game as parents as much as possible. Both cooperative co-parenting and parallel parenting have benefits for your kids.
If you’d like help to smooth the way for your kids during divorce or after it, schedule a free consultation.
