Think You Can’t Mediate? Think Again.
“Mediation just won’t work. I’m dealing with a narcissist.”
Sound familiar?
Then keep reading because what I have to share might just change your thinking.
Below are some of the things I've heard from clients about why mediation can't possibly work:
"He/she is a narcissist and only thinks about themself."
"I'm afraid I'll get bullied and steamrolled like I always do."
"I don't trust them to do what's in the best interest of our kids."
"They're just going to charm the mediator so what's the point?"
Sheesh!
I can see why you'd be hesitant to mediate when you're worried about being bullied, have no trust in your spouse or are afraid your voice won't be heard.
These fears about about dealing with a narcissist (or as Bill Eddy refers to these folks, high conflict personalities = HCP) might make you think going to court is necessary.
So let me highlight the biggest reasons why going to court can actually make the divorce process worse, not better, when you're dealing with an HCP.
Court is the blamer's playground - HCP are often charming and charismatic, emotionless or emotionally persuasive, with a must-win mentality. They are not above lies and distorting facts.
As the spouse of a HCP, in court you often come across as less credible - you may be perceived or portrayed as overly emotional, reactive and less credible.
Costs mount up - bringing in experts such as forensic accountants, a guardian ad-litem, child specialists really adds up.
Increased chance of noncompliance - when a HCP feels like they are being told what to do, they're more likely to resist and not follow orders (more court, more costs).
It's messy and scary until the court date - just to get a court date for temporary orders around spousal support, parenting time, custody can take around 90 days. In the meantime, conflict often escalates and it's scary.
Oregon and most other states require mediation before trial - this is because we have LOTS of research that tells us court should be a last resort, not a default option.
Going to court involves a win/lose mentality - this means when parents are trying to win, kids get caught in the crossfire.
Court does not include using de-escalation strategies - escalation of conflict is the worst thing in divorce. It leads to all kinds of scary and awful actions and consequences
In summary, mediation can help you keep down costs, de-escalate conflict, make agreements that are more likely to be complied with and protect kids better from the damage of conflict between parents, among other things.
That's a lot to think about.
Reach out to see how coaching can help you prepare for a successful mediation with an HCP
