How to Avoid Holiday Co-Parenting Pitfalls
Four tips to help you keep the holidays magical for your kids, during and after divorce.
Holidays are often a magical time for kids, especially younger ones. But throw in a separation or divorce, and 'magical' can feel out of reach.
When you're separated or divorced, you're going through a stressful time. And if you're not careful, you may do some things that can ruin the magic of the holidays for your kids.
Here are some things parents often do that ruin the holiday magic for kids
A parent who can't stop crying or acts fake positive ruins the magic
Making kids choose between you ruins the magic
Fighting during the holiday ruins the magic
Losing out on an important tradition ruins the magic
Gifts that come with strings attached ruin the magic
When parents do those things, kids lose out.
So what can you do to preserve the magic for your kids this holiday season?
Tip # 1- Manage your emotions
Your kids are paying attention to your feelings this holiday season. They'll notice if you can't stop crying in the corner or if you're acting like you're perfectly perfect and nothing is different.
Spend a moment deciding how you want to show up for the kids during an important holiday - Generous? Present? Warm? Loving? Neutral?
Now that you know how you want to show up, do things to care for yourself so you can manage big emotions like anger, sadness, anxiety. You can be authentic without ruining the day for your kids with your own (understandably) big emotions.
Tip #2 - Make flexibility the name of the game for time with your kids
Kids don't care about the calendar when it comes to major holidays. They care about the special traditions and feelings they get from that holiday. Be flexible with how you celebrate with family and friends.
Ask your kids what traditions are important to them.
Don't ask them to choose where they want to spend the holiday (if they're saying yes to you, it means they have to say no to their other parent). Having two Christmases could be a real win for your kids! Twice the magic instead of half of it.
Communicate the plan with your kids in advance. A separation or divorce is a time of great uncertainty for kids - don't add to it by having vague plans.
Make a plan with your co-parent that prioritizes your kids and share the plan with them. For younger kids, consider using a color-coded calendar. For older kids, maybe use a digital version.
Tip #3 - Make a plan for yourself when you're not with the kids
When you spend your first big holiday (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hannukah, Solstice, Kwanzaa) without your kids, it's going to feel weird. And probably sad.
Make a plan so you don't get caught off guard by these feelings. Plan for them.
Consider asking a trusted friend if you can hang out with them.. Perhaps ask others to check in with you via text. Maybe volunteer and spend that holiday being of service to others instead of feeling the loss of what used to be.
Pick up old traditions that fell by the wayside during the relationship or marriage. Maybe create a new tradition.
Tip #4 - Give gifts mindfully
Coordinate with your co-parent when possible.
Consider sharing information on what your child would like. Consider going in on a bigger gift together. When you coordinate, you'll avoid duplicating gifts and you'll avoid making gift-giving a competition between you.
Don't give gifts with strings attached. Kids don't want a toy that comes with the rule they can't take it to their other parents' house - that's drama for them.
I hope these four tips keep the holiday magic alive for your kids during and after the holidays.
If you’re curious about working with me and want to know your options, book a free consultation.
