Kids Don’t Deserve to Get Caught in the Crossfire of Divorce
Yet in many cases, that's exactly what happens when parents don't have the knowledge or skills to effectively manage their conflict.
Over 50 years of research tells us that it's not divorce or separation that causes harm to kids - it's how parents handle themselves. Divorce is hard for kids but it's not the thing that causes them long-lasting harm.
The road from couple to co-parent is bumpy and filled with potential conflict. Here are some common triggers that ramp up conflict between co-parents and tips for what to do instead.
Most common conflict triggers for co-parents - things that lead to fights
Safety concerns
Emotional baggage (feelings toward co-parent)
Poor boundaries
Changing identities and roles
Dislike of parenting style or choices
New partners on the scene
Safety concerns
When you have concerns for your child's safety, you will experience conflict with your co-parent. You may need to stand up for their safety when your co-parent is in active addiction, is suffering from severe, untreated mental illness, is abusive or neglectful.
If any of these behaviors are causing safety concerns for your kids during or after divorce, seek additional legal and emotional support.
Emotional baggage
Did your spouse take you for granted? Did they have an affair? Were they shitty with finances? Chances are you have some emotional baggage based on what your spouse did while you were together.
When you can make your emotional baggage more like a carry-on and less like a set of oversized suitcases, you can focus forward instead of re-litigating all their past mistakes.
Poor boundaries
If you don't have clear expectations, good communication and a willingness to meet each other's needs, you have a recipe for separation or divorce. If these things weren't working during the relationship, they're unlikely to get better after it ends.
When you learn how to create and uphold healthy boundaries, you'll have less conflict and more peace of mind.
Changing identity and role
Were you the primary decision-maker when it came to your kids? Did you schedule all the appointments, sign them up for activities and take them all over town? Or was it your spouse and now they're giving you hassle about wanting to be more involved?
Every parent had a role within the marriage that allowed daily kid activities to happen. After separation or divorce, those roles and identities will naturally shift but for many parents, this creates a lot of conflict.
When you work on updating your identity and role, you won't be so frustrated by the difference between how things used to be and how they are now.
Dislike of parenting style/choices (lack of control)
You may not have been crazy about your ex's parenting style and choices when you were together, but somehow you made it work.
Now that each of you has autonomy over things like when the kids go to bed, how much screen time they get, etc., you may find yourself pulling their hair out over your co-parent's decisions and choices.
When youfigure out how to bring up important issues in a way that can be heardand let go of the small (but annoying stuff), you can worry less about what's happening when your kids aren't with you
New partners on the scene
Often just when you and your ex have figured out how to navigate co-parenting, someone has to go and mess it all up by falling in love.
When you or your co-parent introduces a new partner to the kids, things go back to being bumpy.
When you manage your own emotions so they don't get in the way, your kids will have less anxiety and fear about this new development.
How divorce coaching helps decrease conflict for common co-parenting issues
Distinguish between safety concerns and non-safety concerns
Focus forward - lighten the baggage
Learn how to set and uphold effective boundaries
Update your post-divorce identity and parenting role
Learn how to influence things that are within your parenting control and how to let go of things that are not
Manage your emotions to make it easier on kids when a new partner is introduced
If you could use help with any of these skills, reach out for support. It may make this situation a whole lot better for your kids. And for you!
Schedule a free 30-minute consultation here to learn more about coaching and see if it's a good fit for you.
