Is Wanting a Divorce Selfish?
"Am I being selfish?" is a question I've heard from new clients lately.
Look, as a person whose husband unilaterally decided to end our marriage, this has been a tough question for me.
But here's where I've landed.
Wanting to end a relationship is a choice to prioritize yourself but it doesn't have to be selfish.
Selfish is defined as: (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.
None of my clients who are asking the question "am I being selfish?" lack consideration for their spouse or kids.
Neither are they chiefly concerned with their own profit or pleasure.
As one of my mentors pointed out -
In marriage, we choose someone else.
In divorce, we often choose ourselves.
Recognizing that you need and want more is OK
Acknowledging that your marriage is no longer fulfilling or meeting your needs is OK
Recognizing the need to change something that is no longer working is OK
Realizing that you and your spouse may no longer be suitable for each other is OK
Often a spouse decides they want a divorce after years of trying everything they can think of to make the relationship work. They report feeling as if they've 'lost themselves' or that continuing on in the marriage is no longer sustainable.
If you want to end your marriage but you're worried it's selfish, I want to tell you something.
How you go through divorce does not have to be selfish at all.
Going through divorce in an unselfish way allows you to:
respect yourself
respect your spouse
respect your relationship
respect your children
respect your finances
respect your friends, family and community
Finding the right support to help you divorce in an unselfish way, a way that's aligned with your values and priorities, is critical.
You better believe I thought my husband was being selfish when he decided to divorce.
Fortunately, we found professionals who helped us get divorced in a way that respected each of us, our time together, our finances and our kids.
If you're looking for support to go through divorce with integrity, reach out and let's talk.
You're more than welcome to join my Mindful Divorce & Co-Parenting Support Group. We meet every other Monday night from 6-7 pm PST on Zoom.
